I don’t usually suffer with depression but boy has it been as thick as a harbor fog these past few weeks since New Years. You’d think with the turning of the calendar one (me) would be ecstatic, elated even at the chance to renew, refresh and rejoice but alas no. I’ve been stuck in the doldrums. Sure I suffer as everyone does occasionally with the downs but for some reason I can’t shake these thoughts of I’m not a good photographer, I’m not a good momma, I’m not a good wife , or friend or Christian for that matter. I’m just stuck Perpetually stuck. I’ve literally had to ask two good friends for prayer just to breath thru this last few weeks.
I know what depression looks like. I know because of the most horrible seasons in life I had to encounter back in 2005 & 2006 made me take a good long hard look at life and experience and to recognize when I need to regain, refocus and renew my strength on HIS strength. I know a lot of scriptures but I want this year to be different. I want to feel like I once did. Excited about church, and getting involved. I feel blah. I feel VERY dry. I want Gods renewed rain to fall fresh on me. The past few days it’s ironic even funny really that my husband has discovered George Jones on Pandora Radio. Not only did he discover George Jones he discovered that he loves George Jones’ rendition of “just a closer walk with thee”. I’ve grown up listening to the likes of Jones’ Haggard and Hank. I recognized him in an instant. I said is that George Jones? Yes! How’d you know? I said my grandma used to listen to him a lot.
The lyrics to that song are:
Just a closer walk with Thee,
Grant it, Jesus, is my plea,
Daily walking close to Thee,
Let it be, dear Lord, let it be.
I am weak, but Thou art strong;
Jesus, keep me from all wrong;
I’ll be satisfied as long
As I walk, let me walk close to Thee.
Through this world of toil and snares,
If I falter, Lord, who cares?
Who with me my burden shares?
None but Thee, dear Lord, none but Thee.
When my feeble life is o’er,
Time for me will be no more;
Guide me gently, safely o’er
To Thy kingdom shore, to Thy shore.
Jesus, keep me from all wrong;
I’ll be satisfied as long
As I walk, let me walk close to Thee.
If I falter, Lord, who cares?
Who with me my burden shares?
None but Thee, dear Lord, none but Thee.
Time for me will be no more;
Guide me gently, safely o’er
To Thy kingdom shore, to Thy shore.
That is EXACTLY spot on how I desire to feel in 2012.
Side note: my husband is a huge encyclopedia of hymns. Joey is rare in this considering my husband is in his very early thirties and knows EVERY hymn there ever was. Some he could tell you who they were written by. This is so cute and it amazes me how deep and beautiful some of those hymns really are. So real, so raw. The way I desire to be yet I still feel dry.
I need a change. *breath* read that statement again. I NEED A CHANGE.
I started to take Gibson out for runs. To realize this depression must be fought physically first. I don’t like how I look post baby? Run.. RUN it off. Get back those hot legs that once looked hot in heels. Loose that baby belly * not easy for those who don’t breastfeed* and enjoy a bikini.
Truth is my life stopped when we got pregnant. I have SO many things I want to do this year. I’ve been planning my entire rotten pregnancy dreaming of the baseball game that we could take Gibson to. To live, live right up to the hilt! The trouble is where do I start? I’m sat here blogging this because I write. I write it out when life gets to me. I take pen to parchment and make some reasonable goals. I put away pride and this is a BIG one for me I don’t know about you but I ask for HELP. If I don’t know how to do it then surely someone else has been there I apply this mainly to my photography business. I desire to be so much greater than where I am now. I’ve seemed to have lost that since becoming a stay at home momma. I mean what do I really have left to contribute to society now? There are a few of us women out there that I know of. The Over-Achievers, I’m thinking of a few off the type of my head that just drive harder than others and put out this incredible effort in doing such. These women are amazingly good cooks/meal planners, bloggers, writers, extraordinarily good mothers that eat, sleep and breath there kiddos, Go to bed with their head full of thoughts some like myself keeping pen and pad next to our bedside because we don’t know how we could turn our dreams into reality but we sure are gunna try. God willing it will come to pass and if it doesn’t then He will use our failures for his Glory and in THAT statement is where this blog was actually headed. I desire to be great and live a great life and leave an incredible legacy for my family. I desire to make a difference to leave this place a bit better for someone behind me and I struggle that I’m just so mediocre. I struggle with giving time. It effects how time passes for me especially in certain areas where I never see improvement and I can blame it on so many things like “money” but I’ve got to set aside that road block I MUST because well…..
Time is inevitably going to pass and one year from today, you can find yourself in the exact same spot you’re in now, you can find yourself further away from your goal or you can find yourself closer to your goal – so where do you want to be a year from now?
~ Convincedyet. 2012 january
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If there is an emotion that could encompass joy,sadness, fear,openess, I could go on and on, that would be how this article made me feel! I have been there Cheyla! I left my job in the dental office, it wasn’t just a job, it was my life! I loved the dr I worked for, I had worked my way up, was making awesome $ and had great benefits and bonuses. Then, all in one day, literally in Jan of 2004, the Lord told me to leave it all behind! What?? No way! That is who “I” am! Abigial was 9 months old, I returned back to work after 2 months and somehow managed to breastfeed her all that time. Rex was a stay at home dad, and that was so not working out for our relationship. We knew it and God knew it! So, he quit his job at KVAL television station and I quit my job at the dental office. We moved onto the property with Rex’s parents, no plan, no jobs, no money, no Hope, I felt. But God had an awesome plan. He gave us Hope and kept us cared for, often down to the last dollar. We have been living this way for 8 years now. The money we make at the church does not completely pay our bills but the Lord provides in the strangest of ways. I have so many stories and I could go on and on and on about me. The best I can provide you right now is just trust Him. Try to find your indentity in Him and take comfort in knowing that being a wife and a mother is the the most underpaid, unappreciated job in the eyes of the world! But in God’s eyes it is truly the most honorable. We ARE Superwomen! We balance a budget that just won’t budge! We wipe noses and butts and put our husbands and children first, making very little time for ourselves. If more women heeded the call, this world would be a better place! You ARE making a difference every day lady! I respect you if that carries any worth! You are setting a fine example of an awesome spiritual woman! Keep your eyes on Him and you will continue to be amazed! love C
C,
Mom said you had really connected with this post. I’m glad. Im happy that somewhere “someone” can relate to the frusterations. I too as a former dental assistant miss my paychecks, miss my bonuses, really miss my dr. Seems that you too have a photo business that is a pay by word of mouth and not a sole income. Isnt that a love/hate relationship? Wish you could get more work but if your like me my inner dialogue goes something like. ” wish i had more shoots,” what would you do with more shoots, you dont have time to edit them. Helloooo…{insert Gibson}” Oh! I’d find a way! Besides, we really need the money.”
Sound familiar?
Truth is I miss my church. I miss being involved having a wednesday night to look forward to. The church we go to is just what we needed but I sense its now just a place to gather socially and THAT is not cutting it. If we lived closer I could drop off Gibson in childcare and go get “fed”. I know what its like to starve physically with the hyperemisis, but this season is VERY clear. Im starving spiritually. We need a job in the Valley. We desperatly need a job that would maybe just at first be exactly what we are currently making. It’s been like this for four years now and seems God continues to say “NO”. I dont know why that is. I just know it has not happened.
Well girl.. thank you for your respect & encouragement. I feel your love.
Chey~