Today, I awoke and it was beautiful outside, and on clear days you can see Mt. Rainier so perfectly clear as I made the trek to class. I have had just overwhelming Joy today.. Just filled to the brim, my cup runneth over. To be a Valentine of the most high that is what it’s really about. That Jesus died that horribly painful death, for us* He loves us that much.
DTS.. Discipleship Training School. Thoughts and needed prayer, feeling a huge change in what God is about to do in my life. I’m looking at several options right now and want to stay in God’s perfect will. Do I sell my car, send out sponsor letters…?! I just don’t know, but know that wherever I go I will use my photography and Dental Assisting to take HIS Gospel to the end’s of the earth.
For y’all who have never really suffered a true and intense anxiety attack, let me tell you how super fun they are… and also reasure you that lucifer himself just looooves to attack God’s kiddos when they are digin’ in deep and fast. How do I know this? It happened to me today, and yesterday. Yesterday was quite mild compared to today though.
So, the point is.. without all the ugly details. My entire day.. not lost. I got back on the horse, rebuked lucifer and went on to work. With extreme joy and thankful for the trials God put in my path.
Thanks to my sis and mom.. and my petey who love and pray for me when it gets sketchy.
I believe that God only gives three answers to prayer: 1. “Yes! 2. “Not yet.” 3. “I have something better in mind.” You maybe going through a tough time right now but God is getting ready to bless you in a way that you cannot imagine. I suppose I’m the type of person who wants to results, now! It has always been something that I have struggled to maintain a positive focus and correct balance between. Am I struggling with that now, yes! I have a huge task in front of me this situation is the precursor to the rest of my life. The time will pass, as Karen said why not be closer to who you want to be at the end of it. *Steller advice. Love you Karen. I have said so often that I want to be in the center of God’s will for my life so I’m trying not to be the “Cheyla” I know that I can be and relinquish control back to the Lord. This as you know is noteasy. I don’t know what next this year holds for me. It was almost like a flash, I had this life starting to take shape with Todd, and then God showed up! He gave me the insight to what I had been feeling and had not shared, as desperatly as I want a family and children, that beautiful log cabin nesteled in the wilderness somewhere. I realized that I did need God to interveen in my life. He has been listening to the desires of my heart and as the words pour out from me now, I realize that I am imperfect and the childish things now must end. I wanted to get married in October, but I knew it was too soon. For both of us. I knew that the healing that Ineed ed was not complete. So, he made a decision that at first I did not agree with. When we hold something so tightly and God has to physically pry it from our hands that hurts. We set people up on these pristine glass pedestals, and we begin to resent what it is that they are not doing.. we begin to see things (situations) that are not there. That’s the cunning one. mr. lucifer himself. His tricky ways that so easily entangle us. Does my heart hurt that the man I love more than I have ever loved another one of God’s most precious children is deadly silent and the miles that seperate us seem to be unbridgeable? one answer yes! I love you Mr. Adams. I know that the roads we begin to pave start with good intentions. Honesty, loyalty, brokeness, joy, and finally someone who you are not looking for turns out to be more than you ever thought your heart could love. I ran back to God. I litterally ran, after the pain. I said.. now! You have my full attention. You needed that from me. You needed for me to get out and make my own way. BE STRONG. Refine my coping skills, and finally make me into the women of virtue (proverbs) that I desire to be. To finally get a hold of the sin nature that has held me for so long. God and I are breaking that bondage. If you love me at all, then you will understand. I belive that God is in the restoration business, He wants His children, actively following him to be broken, to finally understand that it takes a true love that makes a fool of us. To get us to that point of recognizing God’s deeper love for us. We can’t change people. They have to want to change themselves. My desires for me would be that you see that I have a misson, I have to accomplish great works for this kingdom, the one we don’t see everyday. Using what God has woven into me, and needing me to be obedient, just as this move was. I said to you once. “I don’t have good feeling about this,” You replied. I’m not giving up us. I believed you. That pain is real. You know how my fear of abandoment has shaped to some degee who I am. I don’t like to see the backs of peoples head that I love. Yet, now, that I see what my purpose is… it was never in you. It was because of you that I needed to step out in Faith, and you may be walking a different road than me today, but I have hope, I have faith, that I love you. I’m not giving up this easily, but just like you re-focus on Jesus. He is where I found myself these past weeks. My God is bigger than this. God wants my heart, my whole heart, the heart that loves Adams, but he can’t do His will in my life untill he had it. Whoo that is so pivitol. On our search for significance we get swept away in what ‘others’ see, about us. Their perceptions are tainted, and similiar to that of a kelidelscope. Interpreting our lives from a limited perspective, it is in that I see God. I realize, my worth does NOT depend on whether some man wants to give up, its too hard, or that we don’t deal with the sin so easily entagling us that the (sin) finally catches up with us. It will catch up with you!! I say because the holy spirit that God gave us and is alive in me today needs y’all to know that it’s only a matter of time before we realize our deepest desires will NEVERbe fullfilled until we are whole, healthy and healed from our past wounds, mistakes, and be humble enough to admit fault. It was on a drive back from Applegate Christian Fellowship that I saw a life begin again. I pray as it is all I can do, that you don’t let that tendency to give up define who you become. I know we both struggle in that dark area. We have tried so long to earn the affection, appreciation of parents, and have failed, or thought we failed. God is just, he gives and takes away. I know for me, that I have been on this vicious cycle for so long, and its time to see that its the moment that we regret in life are the chances we don’t take, to hold someone with loose hands, takes more courage than it does to love them whilst they are next to you. After so many poor choices we begin to underestimate our ability to make a good decision. I don’t regret that I moved to Washington. I don’t regret my love for Todd, Those moments are a part of me, just as much as the blood flowing through my veins. I don’t know what the future holds but I know who holds the future. Blessings Abundant, Chey
The days’ reflection
Upon a discovery of self I have discovered my worth in so many other ways than I had believed were in me. I have this amazing inner strength that just seems to be getting stronger and more durable. I had a huge break thru two nights ago when finally I got an opportunity to get out of my heart the real reason I feel that nobody in my family understands what it must be like to want a family at my age and to be a women so desiring, yet I know through my walk with the Lord, He is changing me from Glory to Glory. I’m not the same as I once was. Praise the Lord. It came as such a relief and blessing that thru these unsighly season for me, that my own Mother said she was proud of me and could see the Lords maturity in me and my walk alongside him this affirmation was long overdue and I felt the Blessings!~ God has a way of touching me to the very fiber of my being, like no other human being can and since I desire for this blog to be my journal to Him, I will say that I felt the words long before you began your discipline. I am here for a purpose. I have always been as you know Lord the constant disciple to you, yet I have been the doubting Thomas at times as well. I know that I may not have always been the prime example of walking out my faith, but I believe in God’s mercy and grace. I believe in your redemption of peoples faith and their shame, into restoration. I hope that I have served you well, but I must confess upon reflection that I have hurt another one of your children. I have an amazing friend in Christ that I want n0thing more than to set right the record with and say, “I’m sorry”. I pray for that opportunity this year.
You know the situations dear Lord that are plaguing me. The love that I feel so empty without. Yet, I know that it begins with me loving you, ONLY YOU~! You desire that relationship with me and as I meditate on what the pastor said to me today I must 1) Reflect on your faith and 2) Reflect on your Faith-fullness to me. You see, I must get it right this time. I have been at one lashing short of death, I have tested you till the 39th lashing. I don’t want to feel this sin, this death! I feel it’s time for a complete over-haul, the one that I made this move for the desire has been there for so long. I want to be set apart translated as Holy meaning as “set apart” I confess that the sin nature in me is what I refuse to allow to control me anylonger! PURITY!!!! Lord, I will do as you asked and begin the book you have placed on my heart What title would you give it? I want the young women who struggle with the sin nature as I have for so long to be “set free”.
Hebrews 12 4:-7
In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons:
“My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son.’ Endure hardship as discipline.
This I pray will be the precursor of my books’ depth of soul search for young women. I have this love that spans such a depth for young women, and have always. May I now focus my attention to you upon this new season of my life and in the new year of 2008.
You Christ have saved me! You saved me from myself. I know that I broke my vow to you. The broken vows of those crushed and suffering in a world of torment, its where a story ends to begin a new chapter. I don’t mind the beginning its always the end’s that make me sad. I’ve had a lot of “beginnings” and a lot of ends for that matter in the years I’ve breathed the air you wove together. I am your daughter a child of the living God. It is Christ to whom I choose now to fall in love with not some ”wanderer” I choose now to finally say I’m throwing this ugly sin out of my life, untill I am whole again, in God’s eyes. It is where my true worth and virute will flow from me.
The roots go down deep, so when the first storms of life come along those beautiful creatures are not uprooted, the same should go for us who are calling on God Almighty. Plant your roots deep child, so you too will stay place when the winds of life come upon you. I grow in your love.
The cross of calvary, it bears repeating. It was your fleshing out your love for us, your praise song. It is where you took your last breathe for me. I know nothing of your thoughts, love, or pain. Im not sure you knew what you were doing it for, but I love you all the same. Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same thing, you understood that moment when the dove desended upon you.
I dont have an insitefull descriptive word to fill the pages of this, out of my heart is a pouring of your spirit, your love, your desire to make me whole, the pressures of this ugly, wonderful world. I simply Love you Jesus…
Following you, with Reckless Abandon.
Chey
Happy New Year 2008
